We regularly
plan for something and make a blueprint of it with a specific goal as an
endpoint. We develop several steps in the back of the mind with the aim of reaching that goal. When each step is accomplished, we feel excited, but when our plan fails, we
feel disappointed. Sometimes our target is decades away or thousands of kilometers far
from us or physically invisible to us and distant from the present moment. Yet
there is a propelling force that pulls us forward.
Where is the force generated from?
Expectation is that force which pulls us forward.
What is the expectation made of?
The expectation is nothing but a prefixed belief which involve pieces of memory, imagination,
linked to an anticipated feel in a specific situation.
When an external
situation achieved or encountered matches with the expectation, a particular
feel is unlocked. The expected belief is subconsciously compared to the
physical situation. The extent of the match or mismatch is assessed
subconsciously. If the extent of a match is high then empowering emotions will
be experienced. However, if the extent of the mismatch is low it results in disempowering emotion. In a nutshell, the expectation is influenced by
memory, imagination, emotion and external events or suggestions.
In the story of
Ramayana, Dasaratha was the King of Ayodhya. He had 3 wives and 4 sons. Rama was the son of his first
wife Kaushalya and Bharata was the son of Kaikeyi. Laxmana and Satrugna were born to Sumitra. Dasaratha announced Rama as the next king and announced
coronation in a few days.
Kaikeyi was immensely happy and remembered the days when
she used to play with Rama. Rama used to find his own mother in her. Kaikeyi never observed any difference between Rama and
her own son Bharatha(original memory). She also believed that if Rama become the King his respect for her would be the same and his son Bharata will be a happy
prince being a brother of King Rama. (Original imagination).
Mandhara, one of the close servants to Kaikeyi posed a question - Are you sure that you want Bharata to be a servant of Rama? (Suggestion). Mandhara repeated the question for many times
(reinforcement of suggestion).
The previous
identity of Kaikeyi (mother of Rama and Bharatha) gradually changed. A new identity as a (mother and
protector of Bharata alone) was established in Kaikeyi. Happiness
(originally anticipated feel) associated
with the coronation of Rama changed to insecurity and fear (new
anticipated feel) after new identity is established . The Love of Dasaratha for Kaikeyi was seen as a plot to make Rama the King (a new interpretation
of memories). Kaikeyi and Bharata becoming royal servants appeared
realistic for her (new imaginations).
The change in
the expectation lead to establishing a new identity associated with new
memories and new imaginations. Acquiring a new identity was due to a perceived
threat to the old identity through an external suggestion.
Kaikeyi was insistent on her demand to make Bharatha as the King of Ayodhya and also send Rama to the jungle for 14 years.
She didn't give an ear to pleading from Dasaratha or even Bharatha. In her new role, Kaikeyi was unable to see the tears in the eyes and pain
at the heart of her husband and own son. Finally she fulfilled her wish. Rama
went to the jungle and Dusseratha died with guilt. Bharatha ruled Ayodhya in the name of Rama, worshipping the footwear of
Rama. Finally, the fear to protect her son won over the happiness of the family.
The primary value (happiness) is lost while chasing the secondary value
(throne).
Expectation and
prejudice:
Once upon a time there was a young man. After completing his education he dreamt of starting a business. He felt that he is incomplete without a success. The man's father funded him few lakhs of rupees. The man's efforts were supported by his luck. He became entrepreneur of a successful business. He started a chain of coffee shops in India. His business became worth of thousands of crores in few years. He found himself happy, successful and complete. After few days he felt his business needed to be expanded further. Once again he started feeling incomplete and went for expansion.This time luck didnot favour him, he went into huge losses. Inspite of his losses his condition was much better than the time when he started his business in the beginning. However the man felt he lost everything in life. He committed suicide.
Once upon a time there was a young man. After completing his education he dreamt of starting a business. He felt that he is incomplete without a success. The man's father funded him few lakhs of rupees. The man's efforts were supported by his luck. He became entrepreneur of a successful business. He started a chain of coffee shops in India. His business became worth of thousands of crores in few years. He found himself happy, successful and complete. After few days he felt his business needed to be expanded further. Once again he started feeling incomplete and went for expansion.This time luck didnot favour him, he went into huge losses. Inspite of his losses his condition was much better than the time when he started his business in the beginning. However the man felt he lost everything in life. He committed suicide.
The expectation
is a constructed entity. Just like our house which we build bit brick by brick we build our expectations slowly over period of time. When it comes to protecting our possessions, we are always prejudiced. In the same way, we have a bias towards our
expectation. Most of the times, we are not conscious of them and we are also biased to
protect them. We work and operate as if they are certain, fixed, and true
entities. In surgical procedures, metallic substances which are completely
foreign to our body are used to fix a broken bone. As time passes, the bone
grows around the metal. It becomes difficult to remove the foreign object from
the body as the substance has become a part of your body. In the same way, the
expectation in the initial period can be identified and removed easily.
However, if it becomes part of the self with the passing time, it pains as
if something is separating apart from your body.
The genesis of
the expectation is unconscious. In the same way, the protection of it is also
unconscious. When an expectation is threatened, the defence forces will be activated. Emotion is an important defensive force which motivates one to
take action. The action is oriented to match the result with the expectation.
Logic and imagination is another defense which supports the emotion in the process of
protecting the expectation. If the result doesn't match with the expectation
despite every effort, then the person lives with pain or he tries to find
an alternative to defocus the source of pain.
The young man while he became successful also made his expectations a part of himself. With the passing time he lost the discrimination between his original identity and accessory identities ( successful, pioneer, entrepreneaur, rich, leader, wealthy, popular). If you let your clothing become a part of your skin, then undressing yourself becomes a painful affair.
So What?
We also
encounter a lot of relationship issues due to sudden change in identities and
expectations. The original expectation was to have a child so that we can love
him/her. Once the child starts growing, suggestions from our peers starts creating fear
in us. Fear of missing out forces us to put them in jail like schools. Our
expectations about protecting the child's career don't let us see the tears in
the eyes of the child and pain in the child's heart. Our words speak that "I am
concerned about you", but our expectations make our acts say, "I am
not concerned about your pain". The child stands confused about our
communication. There is a danger that we compromise the child's heart and make
his present life feel insecure while we effort for securing their future. There
is this transition of the identity in many parents. The father's role as a
lovable child changes to the role of a breeder of a racehorse chasing the grades. This shift in
identity causes a huge change in expectations, hence thoughts, emotions
and behaviors. There is no fixed magnitude for an expectation. It is common to find that parents expectation come in the way of the wish of the
child, but the parent has to take care that their expectation doesn't become a
burden and threaten the identity and self-image of the child. The awareness
about the change in the expectation as the cause of suffering will solve many
emotional and relationship disturbances like student suicides, honor killings, divorces, broken friendships, property disputes and conflicts in
families.
Most of the
human suffering is due to expectation fact mismatch. We may not change the
facts, but we can get down the suffering by cutting down the expectations.
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